Dead Man Typing

Sean “Forgive my compromised sense of humor, but I did want to answer our host’s question about who Jude Law is. He’s one of our finest actors” Penn is razzed in one of the funnieset pieces I’ve seen in The Onion in a while: “Sean Penn Demands To Know What Asshole Took SeanPenn@gmail.com.”

The paid full-page advertisement, addressed to ‘a certain inconsiderate asshole,’ continued: 'Every American‚Äîindeed, every human being, regardless of nationality‚Äîdeserves to be rightfully and accurately represented on the World Wide Web‚Äîthe communication gateway into the next century and beyond‚Äîwithout having to resort to nonsensical aliases with random strings of numbers tacked onto the end. In an era of global wireless technology, our very identities are at stake. It’s highly unethical at best, criminal at worst, for others to wantonly abscond with them.’

Later, on his criminally few options:

'Sir or madam, if only you could have seen the anger and revulsion that washed over my face as I found that SeanPenn@gmail.com, Penn@gmail.com, SPenn@gmail.com, Penn.Sean@gmail.com, and SeanPennRules@gmail.com had all been taken,’ Penn’s letter read. 'If only you could have felt my heart leap to my throat upon realizing that Seanpenn@gmail.com would not work either, as Gmail addresses are not case-senstitive. If only you could have heard my cry of anguish when, in a last, desperate move, I typed in Spicoli@gmail.com, only to be rejected once more and finally forced to accept the abomination that is Sean.Penn20061@gmail.com.’